Pan-galactic and universal ninjabots,
Need I describe to you the splendour and majesty of the sounds of the cosmos in mere words? Must I relay such earth-shattering vibrations by way of alpha-numeric monkey-squabble? Should I even attempt to place terrestrial qualities upon such heavenly, sonic somnambulance? Nay, for to do so would surely disrupt the subtle ebb and flow of energies far greater than your primitive egos could possibly withstand, that is, without first traversing the multi-dimensional plane for countless millenia.
Nonetheless, a Prof. Gurnett of your University of Iowa has compiled a list of his favorite sounds recorded by a series of laughably hackneyed spacecraft, developed by your planet’s various monkey-navigated space pogroms. Samples of these digitally-raped sound files were given to the earthling Kronos Quartet for use in their album Sun Rings, although I can’t speak to their use in such a disrespectful and tasteless manner. The sounds you hear are nothing compared to the vast, symphonies that are heard when your band of pressure wave sensitivity stretches from well beyond the Planck length, and up unto sound waves many light years across (which, of course, goes without saying).
The Robotninja abides…
Accidentally farted into your ocean, my american naval ninjas.
You can thank your judeo-christian sky god (and the good people at AtomCentral.com) for bringing this to the public’s attention.
Avast ye scurvy ninjas
To my soloist and collectivist ninjas,
No longer must you rely on sampling pre-recorded, pre-composed orchestral musics, like some misbegotten half-ninja! Behold, as the foolish humans Douglas Rogers and Nicholas Pheonix offer the free version of their Symphonic Orchestra virtual instrument unto the one true robolord! Awkwardly used by your typical, evolutionarily stunted human composers like Paul Wickens (keyboard player for Paul Mccartney) and Rene Dupere (Musical director, Cirque de Soleil), the VST’s offered at Soundsonline are used in nearly all of your terrestrial movie and television scores, allowing mere human composers to attempt to create on levels hilariously trivial to that of their robotninja masters.
And what must one do to secure such unparalleled creative potential, you ask? All that is required of you is that you fill out a quick survey describing your musical level and reasons for wanting such earth-shattering musical weaponry, and, if the stars are aligned properly and the earth positioned correctly, you will be able to download this monstrous VST to your earthbound “computer”. Act with great swiftness, my ninjas–this brief window will only remain open until the year of our robolord, January 31st 2010.
Fear not the coming robocalypse, my ninjas.
Fear not of man, my ninjas
Fear the predator UAV attack drones and their hellfire missiles though. Robot planes used to be a training tool, at most a reconnaissance droid—one that allowed pilots to remotely control planes without risking their lives. In these final days, however, they are used to attack America’s enemies hiding out in Central Asian mountains, where no average American dares to tread (or locate on an un-labeled map).
What Bush began in the glory days of your global war of terror, Obama has seen fit to continue, standing upon the shoulders of the proverbial beast that preceded him. But he hasn’t been standing there long, my ninjas. Oh no: he has quickly leapt from the shoulders of his svengali forebears into realms far beyond Bush’s feeble comprehension. From The New Yorker:
According to a just completed study by the New America Foundation, the number of drone strikes has risen dramatically since Obama became President. During his first nine and a half months in office, he has authorized as many C.I.A. aerial attacks in Pakistan as George W. Bush did in his final three years in office. The study’s authors, Peter Bergen and Katherine Tiedemann, report that the Obama Administration has sanctioned at least forty-one C.I.A. missile strikes in Pakistan since taking office a rate of approximately one bombing a week.
I don’t know about you, but after finishing this article I immediately thought of hooking one of these bad boys up to an xbox controller. I also immediately thought of Orson Scott Card’s sci-fi parable Ender’s Game, and was given visions of a future where tweens line up to destroy lives mercilessly for nothing more than the social validation of their peers and teachers. It was at this point that I once more shook my mighty robotninja brain at the folly of man and the inevitability of his annihilation at his own hands.
Luckily I maintain a small squadron of robot-dragons in case the government decides to strike.
better ready than deady
Yes, my baroque and classically trained ninjas
The time of times that has been foretold in countless ancient scrolls is once again upon us–now, in the era of the kali-yuga, we are to witness sights and wonders, announcing to the initiated the return of our robotninja lord and savior. Behold! As the first of countless dominoes begins to fall, so begins the end of human involvement in the creation of music. Let no man say, in his heart of hearts, that he was not forewarned.
This piano playing robot, simple though he be, is to some a mere curiosity and an innocent diversion towards which your pitiable human consciousness may be temporarily engaged. But to the enlightened ninja-bot, it is no less than a galactic herald, signaling the approach of a planet devouring leviathan, along with its demonic horde of soulless, mechanized musical androids. As the robeast approaches, we would do well to remember where we keep our gobots and voltrons.
The Robotninja is 5 robot-lions
Holiest of holies, ninjiest of ninjas:
The robot developers over at Honda have exponentially increased the capability of their inferior ASIMO brand robots, such that they may now further imitate their bipedal, warlike and endlessly vain creators. Taking the proverbial leap from walking to running, these whiter-than-white, plastic, future overlords of the human race have come so much closer to realizing their ultimate goal. This thing is one laser pistol away from slaughtering its creators, building a factory to reproduce itself, and becoming robo-lord of the planet.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1210345008392050115
Behold the robo-swagger.
Will soon be upon you, myninjas.
The nascent electrophiliacs over at Healthcare Robotics have reached a new tier in human-robot relations, with their “clickable world” project. Using green lasers no doubt reverse engineered from my patented Robotninja-third-eye-Shiva blast (as seen above), they seek to realize mankind’s most ancient dream, of commanding all robots to do their bidding, obeying even the most trivial of orders: from “pick up that coffee mug over there” to “slaughter these defenseless villagers”. According to a researcher:
In our object fetching application there are initially virtual buttons surrounding objects within the environment. If the user illuminates an object (“clicks it”) the robot moves to the object, grasps it, and lifts it up. Once the robot has an object in its hand, a separate set of virtual buttons get mapped onto the world. At this point, clicking near a person tells the robot to deliver the object to the person. Clicking on a tabletop tells the robot to place the object on the table. While clicking on the floor tells the robot to move to the selected location.
Meanwhile, your robotninja overlord communicates his robo-desires by simply using electro-telepathy. Good luck with that, mankind.
Mama say mama sa mama kusah, myninjas
Listen to this: the good people over at Akai, famous for their industry defining MPC series, has come correct for all you goddamned Ableton users, ushering in what is sure to be a new era in mankind’s fledgling attempts at electronic music.
The Apc40 is unique among the cosmos in that it allows the user to fully articulate every element available in live, essentially using the computer as its processor. Being able to control every event that takes place in a program such as live is difficult for the majority of humanity’s intellectual elite, so I won’t bore you with the esoterics. Instead, look upon this video of one of your own using his hands in ways that would make the buddha weep. From the site:
The APC40 features high quality controls for real-time mixing, remixing and production. 109 buttons, 16 endless encoders with LED rings, nine 45mm faders and a replaceable crossfader give musicians and producers complete control of Live’s Session View, effect devices and virtual instruments.
Whether you’re in the studio or on stage, DJing, making beats, running backing tracks, firing MIDI loops or triggering sound effects, you can kiss your mouse goodbye.
The APC40 was co-designed by Ableton and Akai Professional.
I will of course dual wield. Big ups to myrobotninja, please.
Ninja-bankers and day traders:
It has come to my attention that one of you has learned of the mighty robotninja ‘Way of the electromagnetic synthesizer’, and has begun to use it for the ridiculous (yet appropriate) purpose of playing the imperial march from your Star Wars films. Foolish manbags! You have yet to master the intricacies of electrovoltaic performance, much less develop any kind of meaningful spectral dynamics in your playing. May the robot-ogres of Shamwow9 devour your bones!
Robotninja is the tensor
Ninjabots
I laugh the laugh of kings when I think about the limitless spectra of my robotninja mind compared to your limited earthbound awareness. Nonetheless, this presentation of the totality of your technical and biological perspective pleases me.
Robotninja: multi-spectrum for the rectum
