ROBOT PLANES

Fear not of man, my ninjas

Fear the predator UAV attack drones and their hellfire missiles though. Robot planes used to be a training tool, at most a reconnaissance droid—one that allowed pilots to remotely control planes without risking their lives. In these final days, however, they are used to attack America’s enemies hiding out in Central Asian mountains, where no average American dares to tread (or locate on an un-labeled map).

What Bush began in the glory days of your global war of terror, Obama has seen fit to continue, standing upon the shoulders of the proverbial beast that preceded him. But he hasn’t been standing there long, my ninjas. Oh no: he has quickly leapt from the shoulders of his svengali forebears into realms far beyond Bush’s feeble comprehension. From The New Yorker:

According to a just completed study by the New America Foundation, the number of drone strikes has risen dramatically since Obama became President. During his first nine and a half months in office, he has authorized as many C.I.A. aerial attacks in Pakistan as George W. Bush did in his final three years in office. The study’s authors, Peter Bergen and Katherine Tiedemann, report that the Obama Administration has sanctioned at least forty-one C.I.A. missile strikes in Pakistan since taking office a rate of approximately one bombing a week.

I don’t know about you, but after finishing this article I immediately thought of hooking one of these bad boys up to an xbox controller. I also immediately thought of Orson Scott Card’s sci-fi parable Ender’s Game, and was given visions of a future where tweens line up to destroy lives mercilessly for nothing more than the social validation of their peers and teachers. It was at this point that I once more shook my mighty robotninja brain at the folly of man and the inevitability of his annihilation at his own hands.

Luckily I maintain a small squadron of robot-dragons in case the government decides to strike.

better ready than deady

Pianobot 9000

Yes, my baroque and classically trained ninjas

The time of times that has been foretold in countless ancient scrolls is once again upon us–now, in the era of the kali-yuga, we are to witness sights and wonders, announcing to the initiated the return of our robotninja lord and savior. Behold! As the first of countless dominoes begins to fall, so begins the end of human involvement in the creation of music. Let no man say, in his heart of hearts, that he was not forewarned.

This piano playing robot, simple though he be, is to some a mere curiosity and an innocent diversion towards which your pitiable human consciousness may be temporarily engaged. But to the enlightened ninja-bot, it is no less than a galactic herald, signaling the approach of a planet devouring leviathan, along with its demonic horde of soulless, mechanized musical androids. As the robeast approaches, we would do well to remember where we keep our gobots and voltrons.

The Robotninja is 5 robot-lions