Electric churchb0t

Leap Motion: Kinect for your very soul

Repent, my ninja
For the truth will set your ninja powers free, unleashing hidden potentials that even you were as yet unaware of. And so it is that the Supreme Kai of Leap Motion has decreed that their new device, the so-called “Leap”, will be made available to the bags of salty poo-water that are the human species, in time for the anniversary of the birth of the ancient Hebraic sky-child, Yeshua Cristos. Judeo Christian mythology notwithstanding, the Leap represents a major…leap forward in the way in which you primitive man beasts “interact” with your “computers”, finally allowing you a glimpse of what my futuristic, Minority report style robotninja mainframe is like to work with. Behold!

Available for pre-order now, myninjas

Live 9 leaked features

Greetings ninjabots

The residual Mongol horde known as Ableton is releasing the newest iteration of their primitive, so-called digital audio workstation “Live” unto your feeble silicon based computer systems. With 9, Ableton will be updating various features of their popular software, and in this “leak” they discuss some of the new eqs and compressors available. Over the next few days I will bring you the freshest leaks I can find for your linear, time based consciousnesses at my own, roboninjamic discretion.

thank you and goodnight.

Audionews.org

My hostile and downtrodden ninja,

Rejoice in your plight, for the audiogods have smiled upon your sufferance, and lo, should you choose to accept your charge, ye shall reap the fruits of the works of men and machine far greater than your soul could ever withstand to know.  And such knowledge is merely a glimpse of both the variety and magnitude of what awaits you upon your enterance unto the Audionews.org website.

Anyway for the next couple of days these guys are allowing non-users to join for free! They host torrents of all types of crazy sample libraries, plugins and so on–alls you need is a torrent downloader (utorrent, xtorrent, dicktorrent) and the ability to not be an asshole (login, READ and agree to the eula), and you’re good! Act soon tho, it goes back to being a paysite on May 6th.

The Robotninja’s hologram can still cut you

Thought Controlled Computers

And you thought it was safe to dream, my ninjas

The robo-sapien scientists at CMU and Intel have progressed the pitiful man-fantasy of purely thought controlled computer systems a retarded giant’s step forward.  Finally, your primitive desktop itunes-combobulators will have direct access to your necessarily stunted, american minds, your every earth-thought carved into the digital mind-scape for all eternity,  for the singularity consciousness to ultimately consume in an orgy of immaculately pure thought and emotion. It will be a spectacle the likes of which would liquify your brains inside of your skulls like a terrestrial food processor to behold.  But that’s another story entirely…for now, recognize that they can see your words as you think them and weep your bitterest tears as your thoughts are displayed before your very eyes.

Robotninja is beyond manly

Selected Sounds of Space

Pan-galactic and universal ninjabots,

Need I describe to you the splendour and majesty of the sounds of the cosmos in mere words? Must I relay such earth-shattering vibrations by way of alpha-numeric monkey-squabble? Should I even attempt to place terrestrial qualities upon such heavenly, sonic somnambulance? Nay, for to do so would surely disrupt the subtle ebb and flow of energies far greater than your primitive egos could possibly withstand, that is, without first traversing the multi-dimensional plane for countless millenia.

Nonetheless, a Prof. Gurnett of your University of Iowa has compiled a list of his favorite sounds recorded by a series of laughably hackneyed spacecraft, developed by your planet’s various monkey-navigated space pogroms.  Samples of these digitally-raped sound files were given to the earthling Kronos Quartet for use in their album Sun Rings, although I can’t speak to their use in such a disrespectful and tasteless manner.  The sounds you hear are nothing compared to the vast, symphonies that are heard when your band of pressure wave sensitivity stretches from well beyond the Planck length, and up unto sound waves many light years across (which, of course, goes without saying).

The Robotninja abides…

Oops

Accidentally farted into your ocean, my american naval ninjas.

You can thank your judeo-christian sky god (and the good people at AtomCentral.com) for bringing this to the public’s attention.

Avast ye scurvy ninjas

Quantum Orchestra

To my soloist and collectivist ninjas,

No longer must you rely on sampling pre-recorded, pre-composed orchestral musics, like some misbegotten half-ninja! Behold, as the foolish humans Douglas Rogers and Nicholas Pheonix offer the free version of their Symphonic Orchestra virtual instrument unto the one true robolord! Awkwardly used by your typical, evolutionarily stunted human composers like Paul Wickens (keyboard player for Paul Mccartney) and Rene Dupere (Musical director, Cirque de Soleil), the VST’s offered at Soundsonline are used in nearly all of your terrestrial movie and television scores, allowing mere human composers to attempt to create on levels hilariously trivial to that of their robotninja masters.

And what must one do to secure such unparalleled creative potential, you ask? All that is required of you is that you fill out a quick survey describing your musical level and reasons for wanting such earth-shattering musical weaponry, and, if the stars are aligned properly and the earth positioned correctly, you will be able to download this monstrous VST to your earthbound “computer”. Act with great swiftness, my ninjas–this brief window will only remain open until the year of our robolord, January 31st 2010.

Fear not the coming robocalypse, my ninjas.

Pianobot 9000

Yes, my baroque and classically trained ninjas

The time of times that has been foretold in countless ancient scrolls is once again upon us–now, in the era of the kali-yuga, we are to witness sights and wonders, announcing to the initiated the return of our robotninja lord and savior. Behold! As the first of countless dominoes begins to fall, so begins the end of human involvement in the creation of music. Let no man say, in his heart of hearts, that he was not forewarned.

This piano playing robot, simple though he be, is to some a mere curiosity and an innocent diversion towards which your pitiable human consciousness may be temporarily engaged. But to the enlightened ninja-bot, it is no less than a galactic herald, signaling the approach of a planet devouring leviathan, along with its demonic horde of soulless, mechanized musical androids. As the robeast approaches, we would do well to remember where we keep our gobots and voltrons.

The Robotninja is 5 robot-lions

Asimo Robot: Running shit

Holiest of holies, ninjiest of ninjas:

The robot developers over at Honda have exponentially increased the capability of their inferior ASIMO brand robots, such that they may now further imitate their bipedal, warlike and endlessly vain creators. Taking the proverbial leap from walking to running, these whiter-than-white, plastic, future overlords of the human race have come so much closer to realizing their ultimate goal. This thing is one laser pistol away from slaughtering its creators, building a factory to reproduce itself, and becoming robo-lord of the planet.

Behold the robo-swagger.