Repent, my ninja
For the truth will set your ninja powers free, unleashing hidden potentials that even you were as yet unaware of. And so it is that the Supreme Kai of Leap Motion has decreed that their new device, the so-called “Leap”, will be made available to the bags of salty poo-water that are the human species, in time for the anniversary of the birth of the ancient Hebraic sky-child, Yeshua Cristos. Judeo Christian mythology notwithstanding, the Leap represents a major…leap forward in the way in which you primitive man beasts “interact” with your “computers”, finally allowing you a glimpse of what my futuristic, Minority report style robotninja mainframe is like to work with. Behold! Available for pre-order now, myninjas
The residual Mongol horde known as Ableton is releasing the newest iteration of their primitive, so-called digital audio workstation “Live” unto your feeble silicon based computer systems. With 9, Ableton will be updating various features of their popular software, and in this “leak” they discuss some of the new eqs and compressors available. Over the next few days I will bring you the freshest leaks I can find for your linear, time based consciousnesses at my own, roboninjamic discretion.
In his new book “Challenges of Change”, your earthman Stanley A. Fulham predicts that today, October 13th, 2010, will be the first day that extra-terrestrial intelligences other than the robotninja that you have come to know, and to love, will put forth a spectacle over the “major” cities of your feeble planet, and as such permanently disabuse humanity of its illusions of uniqueness and higher intelligence within the solar system, galaxy and quantum mechanical multiverse. How did he arrive at such an imprecise date, you ask? Why was he unable to tell us which cities and and what time, you demand? I could tell you, but I must not, for to do so would upset the delicate balance between human ignorance and the natural world that maintains the very life force of the planetary Oversoul. Instead, the answer to these questions must be found with:
“An ethereal group of entities known as the Transcendors — 43,000 very old souls who combine their vast experience and knowledge through eons of incarnations, providing advice and information to humans in search of basic realities of mankind’s existence.”
Surely such a source could not possibly be expected to provide any concrete information–your pitiful human channeling technqiues are not subtle enough to properly disseminate detailed and relevant data from the Transcendors limitless power. Such things are best left for the robotninja to accommodate in his comically vast and dense brainal folds.
The nascent electrophiliacs over at Healthcare Robotics have reached a new tier in human-robot relations, with their “clickable world” project. Using green lasers no doubt reverse engineered from my patented Robotninja-third-eye-Shiva blast (as seen above), they seek to realize mankind’s most ancient dream, of commanding all robots to do their bidding, obeying even the most trivial of orders: from “pick up that coffee mug over there” to “slaughter these defenseless villagers”. According to a researcher:
In our object fetching application there are initially virtual buttons surrounding objects within the environment. If the user illuminates an object (“clicks it”) the robot moves to the object, grasps it, and lifts it up. Once the robot has an object in its hand, a separate set of virtual buttons get mapped onto the world. At this point, clicking near a person tells the robot to deliver the object to the person. Clicking on a tabletop tells the robot to place the object on the table. While clicking on the floor tells the robot to move to the selected location.
Meanwhile, your robotninja overlord communicates his robo-desires by simply using electro-telepathy. Good luck with that, mankind.
The good people over at the National Beatmakers Association have constructed a portable music making device sure to offset the delicate balance of the cosmos. This little bastard might be the anti-christ, but it might also be mankind’s last and greatest hope (like Obama!), enabling seasoned pros and neophytes alike to record and sequence their music on a solid and portable jambone (unlike Obama). From the site:
Software
Linux Multimedia Real Time Operating System (OS) – (Low Latency)
Pre Loaded Software ‘Suite’ (no software or drivers to load)
Free Software Updates
Customizable (Open Platform)
Faster Editing With Touch Screen
Hardware
Small Form Factor – Ultra Portable
40 Gigabyte Hard Drive
Robust 7.0″ Display at 1024×600
Hold Switch (Lock Function)
VGA Port For External Monitor
Two USB 2.0 Ports
The fact that it’s linux based makes it as stable as the spatial fabric upon which your delicate dimension is nestled. A quick look at the number of plugins they give you (260) and the fact that you can use it to host any other VST you have, and you realize how easily this thing could merge with some punk biker kid from Tokyo, enhance his latent telekinetic abilities and usher in the higher evolutionary capabilities of mankind long before its time. Add the usb ports and touch screen, and it becomes clear that a demon-machine, capable of blasting through the ass of any mortal man, woman or beast of the field, is now upon us.
The price tag gives me pause ($1100), but I get a lot done during those pauses.
Esteemed ninjamen,
In keeping with my love of dual-screen nintendo goodness, I would bring your attention to Korg’s upcoming DS title DS-10, a real-life music synthesizer and production tool. Now, the dedicated robotninja reader might say, “wait a minutaster ninja: didn’t you once poo-poo portable videogames focused on music production as offensive to your countenance?”
To this fictionalized reader, I would retort that unlike lesser music production software for your PSP’s and such, DS-10 is designed to be used by seasoned, pro-level users, without the silly accessible traits found in Traxxpad and the like. Instead, it is a dual-oscillator synth with a sixteen step sequencer, for drum sounds and synth patterns. All content is user generated, and is therefore up to par with my unreasonably high robotninja standards. Some of the features include:
+Two patchable dual-oscillator analog synth simulators
+Four-part drum machine that uses sounds created with the analog synth simulator
+Six-track (analog synth x 2, drum machine x 4) /16-step sequencer
+Delay, chorus, and flanger sound effects available from the mixing board
+Three note-entry modes: touch-control screen, keyboard screen, matrix screen
+Real-time sound control mode via touch-control screen
+Exchange sounds and songs and play multiple units simultaneously through a wireless communications link
It’s enough to get any DS nerd/audio enthusiast to drooling–if only it came out before July… The Robotninja salivates with anticipatory liquid
Eidos, maker of such classic games as Tomb Raider and a few others, has developed Traxxpad, a mixing and sampling software/game that allows beginning beat-smiths and seasoned beat-masterdragons alike to mix beats in the comfort of their train-station, automobile and aeroplane dimensions.
Considerably less powerful than a laptop but far more powerful than a cell-phone, using the Psp as an audio production machine both interests and enrages your usually agreeable R0b0tninja, for reasons that I will soon describe.
Technology has always been a mainstay of music production: the first pianos, organs, harpsichords, and drums, were all pieces of high technology at their time. Intense dedication was required from the individual to transform these intimidating and complex machines into instruments of beauty and creation. This PSP sound system, therefore, represents a powerful, portable and accessible instrument that allows the common lay-ninja to create on similar levels to that of a R0b0tninja warl0rd. This pleases me, but it also fills me with a murderous rage that can only be quenched by spilling countless gallons of the blood of mine enemies.
For it also stands at the nadir of a trend of musical dumbening, pioneered by sony with its playstation title MTV’s music generator. Guitar hero, parappa the rapper—-these are the classic, you-can-do-it-too, douchebaggy games we all know and love, that allow anyone with 50 dorra to make what amounts to awful cartoon rap and classic rock. What the music generator and Traxxpad do is extract the you-can-do-it concept from the goofy, classic video-game modality, and create a soulless, musically deadening synthesis of edutainment and homogenous culture.
A stripped-down music production tool that lets average users ‘create’ beats using pre-selected samples and auto-quantized rhythms, Traxxpad lets you step-up to the genius-level status of the last 10 years of pop music with ease (although, I do think it’s cool that you can record using the psp mic and import your own loops with a memory stick…). I still have trouble accepting producers who only use samples and pass it off as their own–whatever happened to self-mastery? Now is the time, my ninjas, to bring it back to the skills.
Explore vast regions of inner and outerspace with the R0b0tninja! Witness, as he manifests the combined output of mankind’s most powerful synthesis techniques!
For any ninjas seeking to bone up on their orchestral composing skills, myninjas at Audio Impressions have developed a software/hardware midi orchestra called REALTIME STRINGS that allows you to do just that. While there are many orhcestral sample banks and midi instruments available, never before has such an apex in sound quality (192 khz samples, full dynamic and expressive range, Stradivarius violin recordings, etc.) been reached, nor at such an intuitively correct level. From the site:
Because each stand is sampled separately, you can change the size of your string ensemble, for example, from a solo to a quartet, a chamber group or a 70-piece symphonic string section and anything in between. This ability to select and de-select players on-the-fly without loading new samples is a breakthrough. While it might seem complex to use, in fact controlling a DVZ®-RT string section (or any part of the REALTIME INSTRUMENTS libraries) is very simple; each players (or desks) MIDI channeling is handled internally so the end user never has to be concerned with it.
The R0b0tninja himself does not care for classical ensemble music, which he finds crude and offensive. Nonetheless, he is intrigued by this architecture–rather than allowing users to muddy-up their sound by playing too many instruments at once with too many voices, realtime strings divides the notes between virtual players, simulating what an actual orchestra might sound like. Undoubtedly, most of myninjas will be defeated by the $12,000 price tag and $3,500 deposit. But for any true ninja disciple that is also a robot, the only price you’ll ever really pay is in death. R0b0tninja bless.
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R0b0tr0n offers exciting new careers in such fields as: multi-dimensional bomb- droppery, advanced turbonics, logistical metaphysics and diamond robotics. Come see which robots are right for you! Act now
Explore vast regions of inner and outerspace with the R0b0tninja! Witness, as he manifests the combined output of mankind's most powerful synthesis techniques!
