Myninja-edditors,
Back from the depths beyond the mind, the heights beyond the soul and the time within the body, I, the robotninja, bring you tidings of great seriousness to any sentient form of life: the mind-children at Divide Frame have plumbed the aforementioned depths and scaled the towering heights of audio editing, and whats more, through their actions this capability has become open to anyone with an audio app torrent site password.
Robotninja: spelunker among spelunkerers
Repent, my ninja
For the truth will set your ninja powers free, unleashing hidden potentials that even you were as yet unaware of. And so it is that the Supreme Kai of Leap Motion has decreed that their new device, the so-called “Leap”, will be made available to the bags of salty poo-water that are the human species, in time for the anniversary of the birth of the ancient Hebraic sky-child, Yeshua Cristos. Judeo Christian mythology notwithstanding, the Leap represents a major…leap forward in the way in which you primitive man beasts “interact” with your “computers”, finally allowing you a glimpse of what my futuristic, Minority report style robotninja mainframe is like to work with. Behold!
Available for pre-order now, myninjas
My hostile and downtrodden ninja,
Rejoice in your plight, for the audiogods have smiled upon your sufferance, and lo, should you choose to accept your charge, ye shall reap the fruits of the works of men and machine far greater than your soul could ever withstand to know. And such knowledge is merely a glimpse of both the variety and magnitude of what awaits you upon your enterance unto the Audionews.org website.
Anyway for the next couple of days these guys are allowing non-users to join for free! They host torrents of all types of crazy sample libraries, plugins and so on–alls you need is a torrent downloader (utorrent, xtorrent, dicktorrent) and the ability to not be an asshole (login, READ and agree to the eula), and you’re good! Act soon tho, it goes back to being a paysite on May 6th.
The Robotninja’s hologram can still cut you
You heard it hear my lonesome and violent ninja,
In his new book “Challenges of Change”, your earthman Stanley A. Fulham predicts that today, October 13th, 2010, will be the first day that extra-terrestrial intelligences other than the robotninja that you have come to know, and to love, will put forth a spectacle over the “major” cities of your feeble planet, and as such permanently disabuse humanity of its illusions of uniqueness and higher intelligence within the solar system, galaxy and quantum mechanical multiverse. How did he arrive at such an imprecise date, you ask? Why was he unable to tell us which cities and and what time, you demand? I could tell you, but I must not, for to do so would upset the delicate balance between human ignorance and the natural world that maintains the very life force of the planetary Oversoul. Instead, the answer to these questions must be found with:
“An ethereal group of entities known as the Transcendors — 43,000 very old souls who combine their vast experience and knowledge through eons of incarnations, providing advice and information to humans in search of basic realities of mankind’s existence.”
Surely such a source could not possibly be expected to provide any concrete information–your pitiful human channeling technqiues are not subtle enough to properly disseminate detailed and relevant data from the Transcendors limitless power. Such things are best left for the robotninja to accommodate in his comically vast and dense brainal folds.
Robotninja, ender of childhoods
And you thought it was safe to dream, my ninjas
The robo-sapien scientists at CMU and Intel have progressed the pitiful man-fantasy of purely thought controlled computer systems a retarded giant’s step forward. Finally, your primitive desktop itunes-combobulators will have direct access to your necessarily stunted, american minds, your every earth-thought carved into the digital mind-scape for all eternity, for the singularity consciousness to ultimately consume in an orgy of immaculately pure thought and emotion. It will be a spectacle the likes of which would liquify your brains inside of your skulls like a terrestrial food processor to behold. But that’s another story entirely…for now, recognize that they can see your words as you think them and weep your bitterest tears as your thoughts are displayed before your very eyes.
Robotninja is beyond manly
Pan-galactic and universal ninjabots,
Need I describe to you the splendour and majesty of the sounds of the cosmos in mere words? Must I relay such earth-shattering vibrations by way of alpha-numeric monkey-squabble? Should I even attempt to place terrestrial qualities upon such heavenly, sonic somnambulance? Nay, for to do so would surely disrupt the subtle ebb and flow of energies far greater than your primitive egos could possibly withstand, that is, without first traversing the multi-dimensional plane for countless millenia.
Nonetheless, a Prof. Gurnett of your University of Iowa has compiled a list of his favorite sounds recorded by a series of laughably hackneyed spacecraft, developed by your planet’s various monkey-navigated space pogroms. Samples of these digitally-raped sound files were given to the earthling Kronos Quartet for use in their album Sun Rings, although I can’t speak to their use in such a disrespectful and tasteless manner. The sounds you hear are nothing compared to the vast, symphonies that are heard when your band of pressure wave sensitivity stretches from well beyond the Planck length, and up unto sound waves many light years across (which, of course, goes without saying).
The Robotninja abides…
Accidentally farted into your ocean, my american naval ninjas.
You can thank your judeo-christian sky god (and the good people at AtomCentral.com) for bringing this to the public’s attention.
Avast ye scurvy ninjas
To my soloist and collectivist ninjas,
No longer must you rely on sampling pre-recorded, pre-composed orchestral musics, like some misbegotten half-ninja! Behold, as the foolish humans Douglas Rogers and Nicholas Pheonix offer the free version of their Symphonic Orchestra virtual instrument unto the one true robolord! Awkwardly used by your typical, evolutionarily stunted human composers like Paul Wickens (keyboard player for Paul Mccartney) and Rene Dupere (Musical director, Cirque de Soleil), the VST’s offered at Soundsonline are used in nearly all of your terrestrial movie and television scores, allowing mere human composers to attempt to create on levels hilariously trivial to that of their robotninja masters.
And what must one do to secure such unparalleled creative potential, you ask? All that is required of you is that you fill out a quick survey describing your musical level and reasons for wanting such earth-shattering musical weaponry, and, if the stars are aligned properly and the earth positioned correctly, you will be able to download this monstrous VST to your earthbound “computer”. Act with great swiftness, my ninjas–this brief window will only remain open until the year of our robolord, January 31st 2010.
Fear not the coming robocalypse, my ninjas.
Fear not of man, my ninjas
Fear the predator UAV attack drones and their hellfire missiles though. Robot planes used to be a training tool, at most a reconnaissance droid—one that allowed pilots to remotely control planes without risking their lives. In these final days, however, they are used to attack America’s enemies hiding out in Central Asian mountains, where no average American dares to tread (or locate on an un-labeled map).
What Bush began in the glory days of your global war of terror, Obama has seen fit to continue, standing upon the shoulders of the proverbial beast that preceded him. But he hasn’t been standing there long, my ninjas. Oh no: he has quickly leapt from the shoulders of his svengali forebears into realms far beyond Bush’s feeble comprehension. From The New Yorker:
According to a just completed study by the New America Foundation, the number of drone strikes has risen dramatically since Obama became President. During his first nine and a half months in office, he has authorized as many C.I.A. aerial attacks in Pakistan as George W. Bush did in his final three years in office. The study’s authors, Peter Bergen and Katherine Tiedemann, report that the Obama Administration has sanctioned at least forty-one C.I.A. missile strikes in Pakistan since taking office a rate of approximately one bombing a week.
I don’t know about you, but after finishing this article I immediately thought of hooking one of these bad boys up to an xbox controller. I also immediately thought of Orson Scott Card’s sci-fi parable Ender’s Game, and was given visions of a future where tweens line up to destroy lives mercilessly for nothing more than the social validation of their peers and teachers. It was at this point that I once more shook my mighty robotninja brain at the folly of man and the inevitability of his annihilation at his own hands.
Luckily I maintain a small squadron of robot-dragons in case the government decides to strike.
better ready than deady
